For weeks now I’ve been trying to find the perfect way to say this, but I can’t. I can’t because a flaw of mine is trying to create perfection, perfection doesn’t exist. I’m still learning this everyday.
I was supposed to vlog weekly, but as you can see I haven’t posted any videos. I’ll tell you why. Last semester I went through something, something bad enough to send me into a deep depression and weekly visits to a psychologist. Myself and the psychologist decided that for my mental health I needed to take a break. I needed time to focus on getting better. But the weird thing is, I never felt anything. I knew I was depressed because I knew my habits were changing, but I didn’t feel depressed. I was but I couldn’t feel anything. When someone experiences something traumatic they handle it differently. That’s okay. I handled it by pushing everything back, it was like nothing happened.
By my last session I was great, or I thought so. I figured I would use this year to get mentally healthy of course, but to also grow my brand. I decided to get back into modeling, really start my YouTube channel, and I had no doubts about how I felt. Because I thought I was okay. I ignored the nightmares and any sad thought was quickly swept away by me.
But as soon as I picked up the camera I saw myself, I saw my true self. I wasn’t okay. People tell me all the time that I’m strong, and that I never let things get me down. I started believing that too much. I forgot that I am human. I am not perfect and I feel emotions strongly. I have depression and anxiety, but those things don’t define me.
I’m my toughest critic. I judge myself everyday. I put way too much pressure on myself. I took this year off to get better, to be better and now I realize why. I didn’t give myself the time to feel what I was going through. I’m not a superhero. I’m just me.
All of the sadness I pushed to the back of my mind is coming back. But I need it to, because you have to heal this way. To have to be vulnerable.
I hate chaos and that’s exactly what I went through this past semester. Even last month I lost a best friend for absolutely no reason, and I kind of pushed that to the side as well. I don’t have to be happy every single moment of the day to be mentally healthy. It’s okay to feel.
I do like vlogging, and trust I me I’m so angry with myself everyday for not doing it. But guys, it’s so hard for me to do it. It’s almost like I physically can’t. I’ve always used writing as an outlet for my mental health. I can be the most vulnerable person on this blog, but once I pick up that camera you all can see me. I’m not ready for that. It gives me so much anxiety.
I will eventually vlog, because I have to be stronger than this anxiety. But for right now, it’s something I can’t worry about.
I thought I was a superhero, I thought I could get through anything without any emotions tied to it. But I’m just Shalida. I need help like everyone else, and I am okay with that.
I am getting help. Therapy is great for me, it helps me feel better and I know now that it’s something I need to stay in control of my life. I’m not a quitter. I’ve been here before and I made it, I know I will get though this.
I’m sorry about the lack of images but I haven’t been in the mood to take photos for the same reason for not vlogging. But I promise you’ll be seeing my face soon! This gloominess won’t keep me down.
I love each and every one of you. Please take the time to heal. You’re worth it and I’m worth it.