As I write this I’m watching Hocus Pocus for the hundredth time it seems. I’m okay with this because this movie is on my list of favorites.When I’m feeling down during October this is my go to movie to cheer me up. Halloween is next week, and that means the anniversary of the
worst most life changing couple of weeks in my life is coming up as well. With school and just feeling like I’m drowning, I’ve been on edge lately. But I swear watching this movie cheers me up. It makes me remember to think like a child, and in my case me as a child before anxiety took over. Just be free. No worries.
I can’t tell you why I still get anxiety about this time of year even though it was almost three years ago. I don’t think the fear of dying is it. When you almost die once the fear of it goes away (or at least for me). Last year my fear was being alone, and now it’s the fear of remembering those nights of being in the ICU because of the diabetic ketoacidosis. I can’t remember a lot, probably because of the pain medication being pumped into me, and honestly just blocking it out. But I do remember a few things, and sometimes new memories come back to me. I normally ignore these, I thought it would help me heal, I was wrong. So to help me get over this last fear,I’m going to force the memories out of my mind and out into the blogosphere.
I remember being really cold when I first got to the ICU. I changed two rooms(I can’t remember why). I remember feeling like every swallow was like swallowing a mouthful of rocks. I remember being thirsty but not allowed to drink anything yet. I remember the potassium they pumped into me. I remember the doctors and nurses covering me in blankets to warm me up. I remember them being so nice, but I could tell they were scared. I remember how they looked at the EKG with concern. I remember not being able to breathe, and wanting to cry. I remember my mom holding my hand. I remember the pain throughout my body. I remember feeling relief from the morphine. I remember the nurse that brought me books to read once I was rested, and the cleaning lady who made me animals out of towels and another cleaning lady that brought me sugar-free freeze pops to heal my sore throat from vomiting. I remember being probably the only room watching a marathon of horror movies. I remember the doctors being relieved once my EKG went back to normal, and relieved when I started eating without vomiting, and finally warming up. I remember how excited the doctors were when they told me I was well enough to be moved out of the ICU and into the regular hospital rooms.
I remember being excited, too.
But I also remember the late nights/early mornings when the nurses would all run to one of the other rooms. I remember hearing the stories about the other families waiting in the family room with my family. I remember being scared but keeping a brave face for my little sister. I remember feeling so lucky for having her and my mom with me.
Sometimes to move on from toxic thoughts and toxic people, you have to let go. You have to remember that your thoughts can be your worst enemy. I’m not sure this will help, but it’s worth a try. Trying is the first start to moving on.