I have so many things going through my mind. I wish I could give you some good news, maybe I can once I give the bad news. The bad news is that my anxiety and depression are both growing. Lately I’ve been feeling trapped. Just this morning I had an awful anxiety attack from the moment I got up. When I was a kid I was able to play by myself and use my imagination. This is because my sister was only a baby, and I didn’t have many friends. This never bothered me though, I enjoyed being alone. Even when I got older and space wasn’t relativity big in our home, I found ways to be alone with my thoughts. Ice King taught me how to meditate, to block out the noise and energy around me. I haven’t meditated in a long time.
I’ve been finding it hard to be with my own thoughts, to feel my own energy. It’s like everything I’ve learned the past two years has left me. My Wiccan beliefs help a bit, but I’m itching to do a candle spell to ease some of this anxiety. The problem with that is I can’t use candles in my apartment. It sucks. For awhile I was able to teach myself to block out the energies around me, but now I’m drowning in all of the energies that come my way. It’s heartbreaking actually, quite sad. But you guys want to know what keeps me going? My mom, my sister, you guys, and the image of me being in Ireland in a cottage writing and drinking tea, with not a care in the world.
People think that my disability means that I’m supposed to shut up and listen. They’re wrong, I have thoughts and ideas. They think they can talk down to me, they are so wrong. This blog is my job. It’s a different job than what the other college students have, but it’s my job. Does it pay great? It depends. But I know how to make things work. I grew up in the Hough one of the poorest neighborhoods in Cleveland, I’m a lot tougher and resourceful than people think. I’m not just a pretty face in a chair. People make assumptions about me, they think they have an idea of what my life must be like. The worse thing you can do is assume something about a person.
I promised some good news, didn’t I? Well, I had some of my poetry published in the schools literary magazine. My mom was really excited, so was my sister, and even Mr. Not Ready. No one else seemed to care, I’ve been writing since I was nine and got published that same year. My poetry is a big part of my life. But that’s okay because more good news is that I’m learning not to care so much anymore. My mental health is a lot more important than the opinions of others. I love you guys, I won’t stay away for so long from this blog again. How are Sunday posts? This family we’ve made for ourselves on this blog is absolutely beautiful. I’m the luckiest girl in the world, talk to you soon!