Last summer for me was very chaotic, mentally. I was mentally in a dark room surrounded by my depression dragging me under ground. But this summer was different. It was more relaxed and I didn’t have those same feelings. I learned throughout the year that my feelings did count for something. If I wasn’t happy with an aspect of my life I had every right to change it. I did a lot of changing this summer.
When I was a kid I took ballet. I was good enough to dance with a ballet company. I liked it for awhile but grew bored with it. I also began to feel self-conscious about my wheelchair. One day at a practice I bursted into a million tears and left. Before my mom took me home one of the instructors told me that quitters never succeeded in life. She was wrong.
True, quitting won’t help you if you quit before you truly start something, but quitting when you’re not happy or comfortable in a situation is important. You should never force yourself into a situation that you don’t feel happy in. Your happiness matters. It’s not about playing the victim, it’s about taking control of your life. Just because you prefer to keep safe instead of willing putting yourself in a bad situation doesn’t make you weak or pulling the victim card. You can grow in both circumstances, everybody handles things differently. Even as a kid I knew that I wasn’t happy, I knew that I needed to explore other ways to gain confidence and writing had just entered my life. I knew that being on stage performing wasn’t the way to help me.
I bring this story up to make a point. I had an internship this summer for a fashion website. As you know by my previous posts fashion isn’t a passion of mines anymore. So I quit, professionally and respectfully. I wanted to focus more on my creative writing and I did. I wrote a second novel and collection of short stories and a ton of poetry.
Unexpected things happened this summer. I met Mr. Gorgeous Eyes, and fell for him even though I said I wouldn’t. I had to quit an aspect of our friendship as well which was hard, and still is. I knew that he didn’t have the time to commit to a relationship because he had financial and emotional obligations to his family, so I had to make a choice, we could only act like friends. He wanted a friendship and that’s what he’s going to get. No more flirting. No more late night talks. We can’t treat each other like significant others and say we’re only friends. I would only hurt myself.
I don’t live my life waiting for perfect moments. When I was in the ICU a couple of years ago I realized that my life isn’t indestructible. I don’t ever want to wait for the perfect timing. I want to experience everything and never tell myself I have my whole life for it, because I don’t. I used to be afraid of death, but now I’m afraid to saying no so much that before I die I’ll have many regrets.
This summer was peaceful, I did what always wanted to do. Live my life as a writer. School is coming up in a couple of weeks and I’m dreading the thought of going back. I won’t be able to write as freely. School has never really been my thing, well college actually. I’ve always done very well with classes, but I just never felt like I was in the right place. It’s a long story and I’ll do a post on it some other time. But for the past four weeks I’ve been extremely anxious. My anxiety hasn’t been bad all summer but now it’s extremely high and all I can think about is winter break.
I do have goals for the autumn though. For one, I won’t be spending money on unnecessary things. I’m going to be very strict with my budget. As you probably guessed writing is my job. I do writing assignments every so often and save whatever I have. My mom also supports me a lot, which I’m appreciative of. She’s a writer herself so she understands and helps out a lot. So her and I made the decision not to get a traditional job and focus on my classes and writing, because I think this year will be the year I really grow as a writer and establish myself in the literary world.
I’m going to eat healthier, also. I want to be healthy physically and mentally. I want to share this journey with you all. But most of all I want to be happy. If someone is making me unhappy I want to tell them and get them out of my life. I don’t need negativity at this point in my life. I want to take a ton of photos with my friends and have experiences instead of materialistic things. Memories are more valuable to me.
I want to be the writer I already knew I could be.