I’ve never really talked about my father on here. He’s not someone I ever really talk about. My mother had me when she was 17 my father was 22 and he was her first relationship. He wasn’t around for the pregnancy not even when she learned that I would be disabled.
When I was 9 I met him once, he came to visit me. I remember being so excited because I had a dad finally and I could finally go to the “donuts for dad” event my elementary school threw. Of course after that only visit he never showed up again. Leaving a 9 year old heartbroken and confused. But my mom was always there no matter what.
When I was 13 I remember crying one day because I was just so sick of not having a father. I’m sure my mom must of felt sad that I didn’t seem to appreciate all that she had done for me, but she still found his phone number and when I was 16 he was back in my life. I was so happy, because I had a father now, and I wouldn’t go through any of the milestones alone. Now looking back it was so silly of me to think that, because I was never alone to begin with. My mom was there every step of the way. There is absolutely no way I could have raised a child that was disabled and gave up all of the fun things my other friends were doing. When I needed surgeries my mother gave up college. She work so many jobs and still managed to make EVERY school event. She’s like a superwoman.
When I was 18 I decided not to have my father in my life, because the truth was that he didn’t want to be in my life. He had a family. A wife and three kids that he adored. I didn’t fit in, I always felt like I wasn’t good enough. When I needed a ride from college he couldn’t do it because my little brother had a sports event. When I wanted to talk about things that made me sad he had to play with my baby sister, when I wanted to hangout he needed to spend more time with my brothers. I never got invited to hangout with my siblings and him. Photos plastered his social media pages of my siblings, never me.
My mom never gave up on me. When she learned about my disability she never gave up on me. She handled my disability and loved me regardless, because you know that’s what parents do. They love you even when you’re not picture perfect. Because you’re always worth it and perfectly made for them.
So I’ve realized that even though my father showed me his true colors, even when I was that 9 year old girl I still wanted his attention. Even though I didn’t “fit” in his new life I still wanted him in mine. This has led me to not fully realizing the love I have around me, from my mother , sister,granny, and grandpa.
When my ex (Ice King) told me I didn’t fit in his life anymore and that he was choosing his job, friends, and family over me I felt like that little girl being rejected by her father all over again.
Then next man I let into my life and into my heart has to love me 100 percent, because I’m still that little girl that believes in fairytales and that when you love someone you love them with your whole heart. You don’t make them feel like they’re not good enough for you and you don’t make them feel like they are just a small drop in your life. I need the next man to appreciate me. I’m not perfect and I don’t need anyone expecting me to be. To all of you with a great father in your life, you are truly lucky. Happy father’s day, to the good dad’s and the single moms because they work so hard and take on two roles and no one can tell me that I can’t celebrate my mother today.