I’m slowly understanding things about my breakup. I know a whole year later, and things are starting to make sense. Now this doesn’t mean I’m still not angry at how he treated me and made me feel. But now I understand why he did.
When we were together we made promises to each other. We promised to support each other and we promised to understand each others anxiety and depression. Ice King failed at this. Mainly because he thought that eventually my anxiety and depression would just go away. It doesn’t work that way, he should know he suffers from these things as well. He wanted me to be a smiling, happy-go-lucky model citizen.
When I was feeling down and just needed a day to write and clear my mind, he made me feel guilty about it. He would say “you can write anytime, spend more time with me.” But on certain occasions he wouldn’t talk to me for at least a few days to “clear his mind”. “It’s just something I have to do sometimes, I hope you can understand that” he would tell me.
The thing is, I did understand. I’m not sure why Ice King went through the whole relationship if he didn’t really love me, that’s something I still don’t understand. Ice King thought being with me would make his anxiety and depression less, instead I was just a mirror he was trying to look away from because then he would be confronting his own anxiety and depression.
At times he made me feel like I wasn’t doing a good job as a girlfriend. When he was sick and I checked on him he complained that I was annoying. When he asked me to share my interests with him he told me he needed more intellectual conversation and that he was bored with my topics. When I told him I loved him, he snapped at me and told me I couldn’t love anyone because I didn’t even love myself. Which confused me because at the time I felt very confident with who I was and how well I was handling my anxiety. Now looking back I can say that these situations weren’t healthy characteristics of a relationship.
I’m not perfect, I get moody sometimes but I’m learning techniques to control my anxiety. Ice King wanted to only love the good parts of me, he wanted to ignore the bad parts. But you can’t do that in a relationship. I remember telling him that I loved him, all of him, the best parts and the sad parts. Every time we kissed I would say to myself that I loved him fully, that I accepted who he was and who he was trying to become. It wasn’t like that for him though, he only wanted the good parts of me.