Fears+Evolution


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Photo by me

The time in my life where fears didn’t cloud my mind doesn’t exist, or at least I can’t remember it.I had my first anxiety attack when I was 7. As a kid I thought I had every serious disease known to mankind. I developed new fears everyday. When I was 9 I convinced myself that I would choke to death on whatever food I ate. This led me to “pretend” to eat my meals and secretly only drink liquids. This went on for two weeks. From the age of 13-16 I had to make sure everything was and an even number, everything down to the tiles on the floor. If not bad things were sure to happen( just wanted to add that bad things never happened). When I was seventeen and I was really diagnosed with a disease (diabetes ) my fears sort of stopped. I figured I finally got sick and even with me being obsessed with being careful and having anxiety throughout the day I still got sick and all I could do is live with this new disease and control it.

Of course with the new disease more depression and anxiety  came with it. I developed an exhausting habit of making sure the nutrional facts on food packages were always turned away from me. This drove me nuts and I honestly did not stop until I was 20. And I’m still recovering from the diagnosis especially with my stay in the icu, I am in the process of gaining control over my thoughts( and there’s a lot of them).

Evolving scares me, or the lack of it does. The fear that I will always be stuck in the same place scares me. Lack of growth, lack of change. Which is ironic because change worries me a lot too. I want change in my life the kind of change everyone wants. I want to be a successful writer , I want to be financially free to just live, I want love, and the one thing that I have never questioned is that I want to be a mother. I’ve questioned love, having a great career, being an amazing writer, but I have never questioned being a mother.

With my birthday approaching next Tuesday I feel more sad than happy. Sad because as I look at my accomplishments, I wonder if I even really have any. I’m not where I thought I would be, and with my 23rd birthday being next week I feel worried that my life will never be what I dream of and work so hard for.

Fear is such an ugly thing, or at least it is for me. Fear of the physical and fear of the achievements we want.

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